My Enamour 25th Birthday Surprise by My Enchant Prince, Iv :)

Today is my 25th birthday and i didnt feel excited, because:
1. i feel old even people always wrong with my age, and they convinced me that i still look young, babyface etc but it still doesnt change anything that im getting older. lols. well, people are getting old so its quite fine for me. 
2. i almost never hv a wonderful birthday, or in my case..normal bday. i dunno how, i dunno why.. but i always feel miserable and dejected on my birthday, its always gloomy. so i start hate my birthday since several years ago. i always give surprise bday party for my besties and some of my close friends, but people seems always forgot my birthday. well, but i tried to remember that i got a few surprises from my besties, twice maybe. but it make me so happy. not because the surprise itself, but because they remember my bday, they make my day, they put their effort to make that surprise. but actually i have the big problems here. so you know what? its because i always have problems, apart from the people. like problem and problem that make me so aweful. i always cried on my birthday, which is so silly. it so sad. Since that, i do not wish anything when my bday comes, but just one thing. there's no problem, theres no tears and just like the other normal days.

well..
we talk about iv now. so he did it. he succeed made me mad and hate him. lols. its because he always remind my bday since 1 month ago< and if people said that repetitively, its quite convincing that actualy he remind himself about my bday and make me sure enough that he won't give me any surprise. that surprise isnt that important for me (i dont want to be fake, but if give me one.. i will be so happy. most of ladies love little surprise) but his attendance is everything to me. so he said from this morning before my bday, then 10 hours, then 5 hours then so on till its 00.00 and he yell 'HAPPY BDAY TO ME" well, its annoyed me. i sleep soon after that, and then that morning when i arrived at the office i quite surprised when  i found the coco-banana pocky (my fav) and the hellokitty record doll. when i press her right hand, then theres iv's voice start to comfort me and made me smile, i press again and again. lols. i was so happy, then i press the left hand even its tell "DO NOT TOUCH' but thanks for my curiousity, i delete his voice. huhuhu... i will persuade him to sing the song and save his voice again to me.

Theres another problem here. Did i mention already that problem always come on my bday aka i hv bad day in my bday. so here it is. theres a case. it start from small case, but because of unawareness from me and my friend, plus the hatred guess so i got this. unawareness make me pay big deals for it. it so creepy and i cant do nothing of it, my office friends tricked me, they order jco and they told the one who order is me, and because i didnt order it so i didnt pay for it, but they insist and at the end theres someone who pay for it. lols. i know its a trap.

then when almost 5pm ppl gathered already, they prepare the eggs and cute owl bday cake for renata. it so cute. i already hv a bad feeling because they trap me already, so they know my bday all of sudden. but they supposed dunno about my bday, it must be someone who reveal it. hmmpphh.
Iv said that he's busy but he tried to manage the time so he could go to my home earlier to meet me up, i said i dont want to. i dont want to see anyone. im not in the good mood.
well, soon after that my suspiciousness is proved. because one by one of them throw me with the donuts, creamy and sticky. eww. they throw me so hard, and they throw on my hair, by body. well, especially my hair. nabila wanna throw up when she congrats me. hmm...
i wanna throw up too. lols.
but then elis come out with the tripple cheesecake and theres my name on it. 'iwiid' okay, i know everything eventually. ivan who give this cake, not my colleagues. because they just prepare for renata. and they know about my bday because of that cake. ergghh..i dunno that i have to thanks or mad at iv. 

i washed my hair, then i back home with elis. then after i arrived, suddenly i feel excited..
because actually i knew there is something, because i found some whimsicality, like:
Mom and dad ask me out today and they always picks me up then we go together so we dont waste time. and they never mention to have dinner with me. but i told iv that i will have dinner with them tonight, just in case if he wanna give me surprise at home. then my mom said that she will wait for me at home and hv dinner with me soon after that => i never mention to them about the dinner and them too.(weird #1) and she said that they cant pick me up because of traffic (weird#2) and both mom and dad text me to go home soon and ask where am i (weird#3) because of they decide to not pick me up, they will not expect to have soon dinner. haha..

so after i arrived, i look my parents sit on coach, then i went to the kitchen like usual and immidiately i enter my bedroom. aw aw. SURPRISE!!!!
Iv play the 'piano' and sing bday song then he play the bday song. after that he turn on the light then i can see the scrapbooks. (theres the pict in my IG), theres HAPPY BDAY IWIID. with all the pictures, accecories, photos and the wishes from both of my families, and also my besties. Geo and Lanny, Niq,Jess, Ana, depoy. theres no Fensia and Candy's, but they already congrats me by wa. thats more than enough. omg, iv so so lovely. he made all of these by himself. he's a guy, but he made all of this, i just.... well, im speechless. he cut and paste everything, he hang all of them, and its cute. im seriously love it. love it so much. he did that things for me. so touched. then when i saw my bedroom, i saw mowie, greenie, brownie and velline sit in circle, and in the middle theres a birthday card and  gifts, when i opened there re bag and wallet from FOREVER NEW, the things that i love but i didnt buy it yet because they expensive. huhuhu.. so happy about the gift and everything. 
then when i went out to shower, iv and kiky sang bday song with another bday cake, its an ice cake actually. and its from iv's parents. how nice. so i blow the candle then i showering because its late already. after it, i and iv take pictures with my dad's iphone. hahaha. and we had dinner together, and he told me everything. about the preparation especially.
it so wonderful. 

Thanks Iv.
Thanks for make my day.
Thanks to change my horrible birthday become a wonderful one.
I cant be happy without you.
Love you so much.

Iv's Bday (11.04.2013)

Today is my Iv's bday!! yeay!!
I dont want to give him surprise on 00.00 11 apr because it just too ordinary, so i try another way.
He always work-lat since he work at head office, so i decide to give him surprise at his office. well, i know that he already expect that i will give him surprise but he doesnt know where or when i will give him.
so, i call friend of mine, Cia who work at unilever. she gave me so much information, the secretary phone numb, his office, his floor, his desk. its really useful. THANKS NISSIA a.k.a Cia! xD
i still congrats him in the morning, because i know that he will be suspicious if i didnt congrats him. he know that i couldnt forget his birthday. but its possible if i forgot what date is today. lols.
i ever did it before with one of my besties, and she a bit angry. haha.
i also update my status for him, so he won't that sure. and a bit hesitate. 
i asked my bro to drive today. we used to used motorcycle, but today is exception. we went early morning because would be traffic if we late just a few minutes.. really.
then, we re going to cheesecake factory.  a bit puzzled which cake that i choose. the tripple cheesecake (look so yummy) and the tiramisu cake. but after a while of considering and deliberate with ky, i decide to bought the toramisu one. i never cheesecake's fact cake. it taste good. i mean, mostly. 
but for cheesecake, The Harvest is still my fav, but i already got that cake hundreds of time :p, Secret Recipe is also taste good. If wanna by chocolate, try 'Dapur Cokelat' at Greenville. its quite famous for chocolate cake. and anyway, ky also contribute for the cake. how sweet he is. :)
he really concern with his brother-in-law ;)

well, let's skip skip skip the office hours. 
its 18.00 already and he hasnt arrived yet. i feel sleepy and anxious at the same time. 40 minutes later, he arrived already bring the cake, and we ready to go. but soon after that, iv said that he wanna go home because today is his bday. well, sounds fair. he cant work-late on his own bday rite? so we decide to go to the busway stop and i will stand beside the door so when he arrived and the door open, i can step when people re coming out and wait iv. he must be totally surprised. i cant wait! xD
so, here's the plan: i and ky will go to his house, park the car and we join with his dad to the bus stop. we cant park our metalic car there, because he will notice, our jazz colour is too bright and will rivet one's attention, so park there is a bad idea. 
but when we arrived at his house area, its really difficult to seek his house. i couldnt remember his house because all the lane and the house re just look the same for me. and when we asked the people there, they dont have any idea where V street is. its kinda desperating. erggh.
finally i called his dad, and his dad arrived at the bus stop already, so i decide to go there but his dad insist that its better to me to just wait at iv's house. he also said that perhaps we couldnt make it, and my bro agree with that, so my plan isnt work out. make me feel blue, just a bit.  huff.
so when i arrived at his house, i put my gift at his bedroom, i hide my shoes under the chair and my bag at his other room. and i hide myself at the kitchen and prepare the cake and the candle. while i still prepare and light the candles, iv and his dad come home and he said out loud to the lil girl at his house (his mom's student) that her face looks strange, like theres something..and he said that he found my shoes so loud, its constantly made me dejected. Gosh, i know that today is his birthday and i just want to make him happy on his birthday but i must admit i hate him at that time. he dont respect and appreciate my effort. but i still come out, grimace and sing with discordant sounds, and i didnt care anymore. haha.
i try really hard to have smile on my face. we take pictures, eat dinner "udon with meatballs and mushroom" together. we had a bad bad bad and awkward moment. he smiled before, but because i treat him badly it alos make his mood swing. he hate me as well. 
wow. how great! failed brthday surprise, bad moment and bad feeling. the come all-together.
i just cant help it! i mean, i hate him constantly and just for a moment  i become an evil and selfish lady ever.
its his birthday and i just concern baout my failed surprise and his bad act response me. 
it takes me a while til i calm down and convinced myself that its his birthday and no matter what i felt, his feeling is the most important. i cant ruin it. because the main point of my surprise is to make him happy, not the surprise itself. surprise is just a way to make him happy.
i try to get my mood better and its get better, and also his. lols.
we end up great, we have a great chit chat with his parents, i get introduced with his cousin, a girl who look alike with him, and we take many picts, its so lovely. i asked him to look the gift, he must tried it because tomorrow is the last day we can change the shoes if the number didnt fit to his.
but its fit perfectly, and he loves it! how great!! xD

after that, we re going to the sevel, meet up ky and his friend. his nice friend. lols.
iv bought me a vanilla and chocolate Millefoglie D'italia mini Snack. its my fav snacks in beijing. lols. one of my favs, i correct. lols.

and he also bought me a cheese mash potato. yummy. super.
i went home happy and he look happy too. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART :)
LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND sorry ... 

xxxo;
Iwid 

Terrific Easter xD

Today is easter! Iw and Iv will celebrate their first easter together! how nice!

so early in the morning, he pick me up on 06.30 am and im ready to go! I dont forget to wear my ring, spirt my perfume (really nice fragrance :D), pick the gifts for his cousins and ready to go.

we dont talk much in the car, he focused on the street and i turn on the musics from my mipad. we talk sometimes, but not much. he seems tired, and so do I. sleepy...sleepy... 0.0

well, after short time..we arrived at church, iv's parents already there. i met his mom, enounce happy birthday to her, give her slight kisses on the cheeks, and taking them pictures with the easter bunny and the eggs. how a lovely family :D and lovely picts.

soon after that, we enter the church..ready to worship. after the mass is ended, i meet some of their friends. there was tere (one of ivmom's student) and her parents, theyinsist ask us to have breakfast with them. they really force us! lols. well, so soon after that we bought ice cream. 'banana smoothies' by buavita, unilvere product. Iv said its yummy, so we bought for ourselves and for Tere's family that consist her, her brother, her parents and her aunty. Iv's mom said thats its too sweet, and too much milk..but because im one of those banana lover and milk, i could say that i love it! its really banana and milk. hmm, yum yum! :D

we have dim sum at Imperial Chef's. I LOVE DIM SUM! Did i ever mention before? well, if i haven't, i tell you now. I love dim sum, and I tried many all you can eat dim sum almost at 7 or 8 restaurants in Jakarta, not all of them. because it isnt good to taste something that u not sure its delicious or not even its cheap.

well, we ate quite many variety...

Fish porridge (****)

Cakwe (*****) why i give 5 stars? because its crunchy and not oily and taste good.

Another kind of cakwe that wrapped with ce ceong fan (****)

Dove's soup. (****) taste so good, but not fav. so ive 4 stars. i never taste dove's soup before.

Hakau (*****) hakau is always nice, and hakau is one of my fav all time. the shrimp re big, crunch and fresh.

Shrimp spring rolls (*****)

Fried Shrimp Dumpling (*****) crunchy and savoury.

Fried Taro with the meat inside it. (****) savoury and delicate.

A bun with the salted eggs and srikaya inside it (*****) sweet, mellow and delicate. i tasted it before in Yong he Kong, Beijing. love it!

Hrp , a kind of sticky rice with meat inside. i dont give stars, because i dont taste. I didn't taste it because i can't eat that. but i guess its savoury! :)

well, we ate all of them and getting full. like so full.

after that we back to Iv's house.. iv change his clothe, i have a small conversation with his mom, and she gave me candle ice 'es lilin', i took the soursop fruit. nice nice. i mean not the ice, but his mother. :)

after that we re going to emporium.

we bought the tickets for 14.40, Olympus Has fallen then we went to J.co, bought a couple yoghurt, not really enjoy that.

soon after that, we decice to take a walk, go to the car, put the powerbank and we're going to the cinema, we order the caramel popcorn which is small and expensive. well, we love caramel..but i decide that we just to have buy the sweet popcorn next time, because its much cheaper and much bigger. :D hehehe..

Actually iv and I got a wrong assessment. but well, thats fine. i think it would be great, hope so. its about the terorist thing.

 and we really enjoy watching it. and i really wanna watch The Host next time. i will ask iv to watch with me, because it must be awkward to watch the Science Fiction and romance with your parents. lols.

after watch, we have dinner together.

firstly, we wanna taste Raffel's. looks really good, the burger is big and looks so yummy, i never taste it before, and it turns out Iv also never taste it too. hahaha.

we wanna taste it, but we dont like the environment,it just too open. there's no privacy and incovenient. not because we wanna do things, but we just dont like it. i personally dont like noice, crowded and loud voices. i love cozy place, tranquil and homey with the soothing sounds/ music. ;)

well, after we going round and round, finally we decide to eat Ta Wan. we order beef pitanporrideg (my fav)large portion, broccoli scallop with Ta Wan sauce which is really tasteful, and dori enokki, also taste nice. we enjoy the dinner with taking pictures, having nice conversation and joking around. it just feel so great.

well, after that we re going to the ben dad's funeral. and there re some of bens's besties and iv's friends join there. I thought it would be awkward, but its not at all. ben quite surprised when he saw me, but he could handle it.

we attend the mass, then we ate the suki. i never ate suki at the funeral before. we used to eat porrige, generally.

but the suki taste good. after we hving conversation and enjoy the food, we decice to get home. iv looked not well, he look exhausted and sleepy. in the car, we still hving conversation, eat fruits and nutella crisp from his cousin (love it!), and when we arrived..he said happy easter to my dad, and my parents give the gifts to his parents.

so, today is really going great!!! SO TERRIFIC!! xD

and i have new clothe! cant wait to wear it!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS EASTER TOO! :D

Good Friday :D

This Easter was really great for me. i mean, terrific! :D
so i spent Good Friday with Iv and my family and spent Easter with his family. perhaps it seems common to some people, but not for me. i never invite my bf or had meals together (eithers its breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, supper or any else like that. ) with my family. because i felt it just to intense for me. Before, i never invite my bfs not just because my parents is a picky parents, which they would not like if i invite my bfs to having meals together if thet dont disagree with our relationship (which they never agree before) but dispite of their agreement, i also feel incovenient to invite my bf hving meals with my family. So i decided i will invite my bf, if imsure with him. So, this is it. Iv is really a good bf, he's not just romantic as i ever mention before, but he also faithful, dutiful and i feel he really love me, because he wanna meet and introduced to my besties (we have several double dates appointment later) and he also introduce me to his besties and friends, he want to spend quality time with my family and he also want me to spend quality time with his family, which is incredible because most of my exes never concern about that. not because they didnt care. 
so, good friday is coming (March 29) and he came on time (or earlier) => [ i love this guy! he almost never makes me waiting and appreciate our appointment) and we re going to the saloon (across my house), he cut his hair while i watching his cute face, take picts and was playing games. after that, we back home..my parents looks exhausted. my dad was sleeping when i got home and my mom busy with something else, and me prepare for the lunch. so, whats the menu for today? its my fav actually, and would be iv's fav dish later. he always love what i love :p Actually we love some of dishes and snacks.
so, the menu today are: sweet chilli mushroom and fried cauliflower. well, perhaps sounds weird to you, but trust me its so yummy. Iv like usual ( i dunno whats wrong with him to be honest), he's not just love staring or watching me while we re watching movies together, he also love to take picts of me or videoing me. i mean, im not photogenic and look great in front of the camera. i could bet that video must be aweful. i must be look messy, sweaty, not great at all. he's rec me while i was cooking. hmm...
i wanna delete his video, but he never let me.
errggghh...

okay, after all finished, i called my parents and my bro. we ate together and the lunch went great.
that day was the first time iv having meals together with my fam.
we( i and iv with my fam) couldnt attend mass together. its because my parents re the easter comittee. well, thts fine. later maybe. actually since we all re the church activists, we re so sheldom( i wanna use this world, i kinda miss it :p) to had mass together. but yeah, with bro or mom still fine. my dad is an archdean, so he definitely couldnt attend the mass together with us. :(

so, i attend the mass just with iv. Kiky with his friends, and it would be awkward if we join them. lols.
before the mass, ky and iv played ps together at ky's bedroom. they sounds and look really enjoy the games. i can heard they yelling from downstair, my dad was heard too. lols.
i took the fruits with me to upstair and eat that while watching them play. my heart feel so warm and happy that my bf could be close with my bro, and he will being close to with my fam later. :)

at 2.00 pm we decided go to the church, i mom and iv with his car, and ky with this friends.
the mass start on 3.00 pm (weird, not raining since its always raining on good friday as long i could remember) iv like to share the book together with me, even we have 2 books. then, after the mass end, we re back home for a while just to took my ring, i wear it and also him.
we're going to my second house, puri mall. puri is kinda small, but i always love that mall. really feel convenient and nice. okay, so after we arrived there.. we re looking for iv mom's bday gift. iv wanna bought her a belt and a bag. so after we keep searching and searching, finally we found a belt at The executive and a bag at GaleriKeris. Finally we found one! (the bag i mean) because its really hard to find the good one. and the handbag look nice :)

after we get the gifts (i meet our fam's close friends) we decide to have dinner. today we just could eat veggies, so we went to Tawan, but its very crowded there just like usual, so we re going to Pizza Hut (but it hv long queue) so we re going to Din Tai Fung ( we never been here before), we wanna order porridges, but theres not porridge yet, so we order tofu. iv interest with fried tofu seaweed enokki ( we love mushroom) and i interest with the tofu coated with salted eggs (tofu telur asin) i love everything with 'telur asin' whether its shrimp, tofu, poultry, anything. lols. and we also order jiao zi ( a kind of dumpling that filled with tofu (again) and veggies), we like the dishes. quite nice and the portion is fine. (not that big and not small), but to be honest i dont like the price. din tai fung is quite expensive personally. because we spent 200k up just for that not-meat dishes. well...
i had a funny story while we re eating there. there was one family who sit beside our table. husband and wife with their mother. this family is really interesting. they keep complaining since they arrived. they complained about the meals, then the husband want to change the 4-dumpling to 10-dumpling, and the wife also wanna change their sour sweet soup with asparagus soup, but she can't..because the soup is ready. and the wife is unhappy, she said she just order 5-10 minutes ago, how come the soup is ready? so she said it must be not fresh. lols. and again, the husband ask the waitress about the tea that he ordered. he ask what tea leaf that they used to make that tea, and is it a chinese tea? because he cant sleep if he drank chinese tea, thats why he order a general tea. he insist ask the tea leaf that they used. and eventhough they explain already, he still keep asking. hewww. the husband said overall dish there arent good, and the wife said perhaps it because he didnt order the right dish. well, they also talking about our dishes. 
weirdo..

well, after we're full.. we look the stuffs, bracelet. (actually its me who look around and iv accompany me :p) and after that we re going to downstair, queue for milk tea. iv insist to pay mine, but i win. yeheey :D

after that, we back home. :) :)
 really nice good friday, isn't it? ;)

Iv-Iw's picts

Celebrate "Cheese Day" with Iv :)

whats the matter with 25th february?

theres no special even actually. but, we always celebrate our time together, everytime we meet. i always feel excited and happy everytime i meet him. perhaps because we're apart and we cant meet too often. yeah, perhaps its one of the reason.

but the other reason is just im happy to be with him, no matter often or rare frequency that we spent together.

 

so, yesterday we went to Living World, one of my fam's fav mall..then today we re having lunch together.

while i worked today at 11.20 pm..suddenly theres a cute waiter deliver a cheese ore smoothies, one of my fav! she said its from the Kaffein's guest. well, he's sweet and cute, isnt it? he always make me smile.

For Iv: *but dont to this if im angry okay? we call it "ngogok". lols.

 

then..we're going to the Cheesecake Factory, we cant eat upstair because they dont allow to, so we choose seat for four at the corner, taking pictures like we used to. today, i look prettier and more photogenic than yesterday. :p

we look up the menu, he choose lasagna and i choose 'cheese mix' pizza. yummy yummy :D and we also order banana smoothies but theres no banana, so we just order ice lemon tea and he insist to order oreo cheesecake for dessert. aaargh..

 

we enjoy the foods, i loveee them. i LOVE cheese, but if you eat too much.. we just like wanna throw up. okay, fortunately we order lemon tea, so that sour taste could balance the cheesey taste.

so, overall the lunch was great!

the lasagna is creamy and yummy, with the beef, tomatoes paste and cheese, and the pizza too. love them all. and we enjoy them while we joking. yeah.. about the "ear" thing. erggghhh...

 

sometimes, iv just too confident.

he always think iw isnt good enough to be paste (physically).

just wanna pinch and bite his chubby cheek.

 

well, we will celebrate another, perhaps banana day :P

 

PS: have fun in Bali (25-28 feb) i envy you! dont forget for the 'disco nut' and cant wait for our first month anniv. love you sweetheart. :)

Val's Day 14.02.2013

what is valentine?
most people doesnt know about where the valentine day come from, or why there 's a valentine day. people only know that we as a couple compulsory celebrate that day.
well, perhaps it isnt that important to know the history actually, but if you know, its even better. ;)
because if we know the real meaning of valentine, we could celebrate it with our heart, and not just for the 'obligation'. ;)

of course, its so common that couples celebrate the valentine day together.
they're having a romantic dinner together, like fine dining or just a simple candle light dinner. and some of couples re going vacation together, or just give a romantic gift for their partner, like something cute, flowers, chocolate or even jewelry.
couple celebrate it with their own way for sure, and even there some couple who never celebrate the valentine day, because based on their opinion, everyday is valentine.
its doesn't matter how we celebrate it. the most important is that we could enjoy the val's day together with someone we dearly love, and cherish that moment. :)

well, i hope that i and ivan could celebrate our first valentine day together.
but we're apart. but it doesnt bother. we could still celebrate it with another way, skype perhaps. ;)
i'm not born as a romantic person, but ivan is
he's the most romantic guy that i ever met and i ever love.
he gave me Godiva yesterday, which surprised me. he ALWAYS surprised me. :p
i never be surprised before when i had relationship with my exes. all surprises re expected.
maybe we couldn't meet up and celebrate this valentine day together, my love.
all i can do is just give you this post and poem, hope you like it. :)
NB: the val's day card that i send you last night is a handmade, its customize and design by myself, not template. :p


Always Valentine (originally
By Joanna Fuchs) I’ll always be the one who looks at you,
And sees you in a fond and loving light;
I'll always know that you’re the one for me,
Because when we’re together, life is right. You’ll always be my love--my hero, too,
The person I can count on constantly.
You satisfy me like no other could;
I’m ecstatic that it’s you who makes us "We." I'm always thankful for the day we met;
I love you, and I’m happy you are mine.
I’ll always feel this joy, this bliss, this peace,
If you’ll be my love forever, Ivantius. I don’t need Valentine’s Day
to remember how much I love you,
or how much I want to give you
everything you need,
everything you want,
and delightful things
you haven’t even thought of,
because you give so much to me.
I don’t need Valentine’s Day
to remind me to strive always
to create for you
surpassing happiness and satisfaction,
just as you have done for me.
I don’t need Valentine’s Day,
but it gives me a reason
to open my heart to you,
to tell you loving things
I think in my head
but forget to say out loud.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Ivantius Sweetheart;
You mean everything to me.       Love you always; Iwid ^^

An Everlasting Story of Ivan and Iwid :)

Its kinda awkward or clumsy when i decide to write my romance story here. and it seems i just too confident to write the title for both of us. i don't want to say that i confident that our relationship will longlast, because im afraid to lose him if im too confident or what.
but yeah, i just could tell that i confinced with my feeling.
i never felt like this before, i never publish any of my past (romance) relationships before, i never wrote on my blog, my facebook, twitter or any other social media. even, i never display my pict with my BF together at any social media. perhaps because i dont have any confident that i have now, or i can say that i wasn't sure with my feeling at that time. when i decide to had relationships with my exes, i didn't have any deep feeling with them. i choose them among the other who pursue me, because they re the best one.
they love me, and they're kind to me. it looks like enough for me before. i thought that i would be love them back one day, but 'the day' never come. i realized that im unique, im not like the other girls. im not like my besties and my girl friends. im different.
its like hard to love someone for me. so difficult. i was trying to. tried. but it never works. when people say of they really love and nice to you, you will fall for him one day is just a myth for me. so, i have the conclusion that i have to find someone that love me and i love him back. 
its funny that i never imagine that i would  marry them and start the new family with them. to be honest, i always think "who is the one who will marry me?" while i having relationship with my exes. its kinda funny right?;) yup, thats me.
when i look my besties get jealous, protective and love their BF so much, i just think why i don't have those kind of feelings? why my heart is so hard so i never got touched with all of the great things that my exes gave to me? why i never get melted like the other girls? why i still didn't feel anything even many years passed. and its kinda creepy thing that pop in my mind that i will never get married because i never have feeling with my exes, i never start to love them back, i never be a good girlfriend, and people who i fall for them were with somebody else. am i must to pick one of the wrong people ho have the best quality.. or i just pursue my own happiness and shelve the marriage things in my mind? I still think all of those things until i met him again. Ivantius. :) i met him in the middle of winter at beijing. 

i met ivantius (ivan) on 2006, 7 years ago.
its quite unbeliavable because i never invited to 'jambore' camp before. and because there is one and another thing, all of sudden theres a friend of mine suddenly ask me to join that camp to represent my parish(church) and i just get excited and accept the invitation. theres none from my parish join that camp. just me.
well, at that camp i could see many people there. a lot.

and its kinda interesting, because among all of the people there, among the men that i found there, i interest with just one guy. he's look ordinary, but dont ask me why, dont ask me how, soon i look at him, i fall for him. like i found that he attracts me, with his own way.
yeah, he's ordinary, yet handsome. i must confess that. :p
its kinda weird that he's totally my type. a man type who i want to be my husband. "someone that i want to spent my lifetime, for better for worse til death, someone who i believe will become a great father to my children" thing.
i love a guy who smart, have intelligence, faith, responsibility, mature, assertive on positive way  who can lead me, protect me and love with all of his heart.
i know its strange, i know its unbeliavable, i know its non sense but before i know that he's my type. Before i know him deeply, the thing that i knew is i have 'chemistry' with him, a knot. something indescribable. i can't breathe for a moment. theres something that make me feel that i will be with him one day. 

Soon after that, his bestfriend fall for me and pursue me at the same time with another guy who 4 years older than me. his bestfriend (Ben) is someone nice, friendly, cute, handsome for some girls (but not my type), but he's definitely kind. and another guy (vic) is a mature, charming guy who will make many girls want to be his girlfriend. he's lovely, handsome and sweet.
yes, both of them pursue me. but they're not the one that i want to. :(
its kinda sad at that time that ivan didnt have any interest with me.
gloomy.

i must admit that both of them have their own great way to pursue me. they re great with their own way, they sweet with their own way, they tried to get my heart and tried to melt my heart with their own way.
i dont want to talk much about this, the conclusion is finally i ended up with ben. nothing much to tell. i just feel worse having relationship with someone that i dont have feeling. i try to fall for him, being nice with him, but it seems like so hard for me.
i must exert all of my effort to being a nice and good girlfriend. and it needs sacrifice, trust me.
i felt happy, tortured and guilty at the same time.
i was happy because i became closer with ivan after i had relationship with ben. i was so happy and excited that i could meet him. i was happy that he trust me, and begin to call me or message me even he just want to share or ask advise for his relationship, its never mind for me as long i could contact him, have conversation, help him, made him happy.
wow! i sounds like a desperate lady. lols.
i felt tortured because even i convince my self that love dont have to own..it just have to make them happy, always beside him without they know our feeling and what we do for him. thats called love right? ;)
love is sincere, giving and not hope for return. and theres no one need to know about it. but i cant lie to myself, that i tortured everytime i looked him and his GF together. it was hurt. i never felt that before, and after that. with my BF after ben. never feel hurt or jealous. 
well, this relationship wasn't last long.
Ben is a nice guy and i felt guilty because i became so bad to him.
i never being a good girlfriend and i know that i disappoint him. he's hate me. absolutely, and i cant blame him because of that,
i never care of him, i never get jealous and i just like ignore him. thats the worst,
and i told him that we couldnt be any longer, because we can't continue a relationship that dont have future. i said that because he's younger than me. i dont want to someone whose younger than me, not just because it feel awkward even he's mature enough, but also about the financial thing. but yeah, actual reason is because we dont belong together. i didnt love him and never will, because my heart is taken by someone else.
and that feeling of guilty undermine me like crazy. 
i dont know why he act like theres nothing before. after we broke up, ben still message me that we could be great friends later and he told me that its not true that we dont have future together, he said that we will have future if we want to. the problem is that the one who want 'us' in future just him, not me. so we will not make it.
he's right. and days after that he blocked all the media access between us and unfriend me in facebook.
i thought it would be months, but i wrong. it hv been 5 years since we broke up, and he still hate me.

1 year after that i found someone else, ardy.
there re 4 people who pursue me at that time, but i choose him with my own reason. because even we're not click and comfort enough being with him, but at least i have a little feeling for him. even just a bit, but its better than nothing.
we've been 3 years together and after that long i never felt something special with our relationship. Okayy, we're couple, we re hang out together, watch movie together, lunch or dine together, but what people didn't see is our chemistry between us. we dont have any chemistry, we're not 'click', we have great conversation sometime, but just one or two times in a month, or several months. very rare.
we're not talking much when we re together, usually we just enjoy something that we're doing. eating, watching, but just by ourselves. theres nothing much that we share, or i share i revised. he become more talkative, more care, and love me more i notice. but there re some of their mistake that hard to accept and because im not fall for him, so mostly i just ignore him, being someone sucks, ignorance, moody and introvert.
its a bit miraculous that he can stand with someone like me. haha.
and a bit strange too that he always maintain our relationship, even actually we dont have any piece to be maintained.
i and him won't belong together, i cant be my myself, i didnt enjoy my time with him( i enjoy SOMETIMES but still...), i did cruel to him, i cant tell him my story.(i dont want to actually, i dont have any interest to start conversation with him), and its kinda strange and frustating. whats kind of relationship is that? 

well, at that time i still hope that i will find my prince, mr right someday.
and again, i cant imagine that ardy, ben and 2 other of my exes would be my future of husband, none of them.

when i broke up with ardy, its a hard decision for me at that time.
its because even i had many problems with him, we both re not love each other. im the one who not love him back, we're not understand each other, we dont have chemistry, we re not 'click', and i dont find myself feel comfortable woth him to tell story or anything. there re many things for me to end this relationship. we all know that communication is the key in every relationship. but why i doubt that? why i hesitate to broke him up? its because i felt that even he's not perfect, and we're not suit each other.. but i know that he love me, so much. and there re many things that he sacrifice for me.
he's nice and good looking too. and i guess it would be enough.
plus, everyone told me that we're suit each other. outside. yeah, he's not that bad.
and actually i don't to marry above 25 , before. so its a kinda hard to me to broke him up.
because if i broke him, i will lose chance to marry at young age, and if i broke him up..i dunno that i will find someone who better than him.
because what i know is the good guys nowadays re taken already.

but then after months full of consideration and deliberation, finally i decide to broke him up because marry at young isnt everything. how if after i married i find my mr right? how if i realize that he's not the one and its too late already? how if im not happy? 
i realize that if i have too much question in my mind, too much hesitation, and even i didnt sure with my feeling and happiness.. its better to live by myself but im happy isntead live with someone who i doesnt love and i feel regret after that. 
the main point is my happiness, either with someone or without someone.

years passing by, i went to beijing then there a few guys who pursue me.
they both have different character but they both have a great will to pursue me that i even dont understand at all.
many of friends of mine start to persuade me to start dating or trying to have relationship with one of them.
but theres none of them interest me.
i didnt say that they re not attractive. one is handsome and royal, and another is kind, super nice and adore me. he treat me just like a princess.
well, of course they have plus and minus. but i wouldnt talk about it.
the thing that i know re i dont fall for them and its a sign. i tried it 4 times already, and theres none of my relationship works. none of them.
many of friends told me better being loved by someone than love someone that didnt love you. thats true. i won't doubt that. i look many of my girl friends start to love their boyfriend because their BF re so patient and love them so much. it happened to many girls, i cant say all of them. but its not me. the one who really know me is myself.
i knew it just wasting my time to spent with the wrong guy. i dont need boyfriend just for take care of me, fill my daily life with sweet words and love things. i can stand by myself, and all of it will not get worthed if you spend your days with someone that you dont love. you can find that you fall for a wrong decision, again and again. and its like a never ending stupidity. and i dont want to repeat the same mistake over and over again. 4 times re too much for me, i didnt feel something worth relationship, i just feel pain and emptiness.
even almost 2 years i broke up, but i still feel assertive and courage that i just want to be single til i find the right one. or i will be single forever. better being single than undergo 'the unhappy relationship', it just killing you inside.

yes, i were waiting and waiting.
and all of sudden vanessa (ivan's ex GF) contact me, its kinda strange for me..because after years gone by she never contact me again. and suddenly she contact me just wanna ask about the korea things, tour, attraction, hostel, etc. she seems really nice, sweet and warm. i answer all of her question and our conversation going smoothly.
we have like one week conversation, then 2 days after that iv message me that he will visit beijing and wanna meet me. he knew my number from nessa. lols.
how funny. we both know that nessa is a protective and possesive GF that ever exist in this earth, and the funniest thing is she gave my number to ivan, who at that time stil his BF, is a bit ridiculous right? :p

well, then ivan went to beijing..
we both enjoy our time together than i found out that actually my feeling for him is never gone. its still there. it just buried.
i still like him, like i used to.
like him so much than make me lost my mind. i got so excited and i bought all of my fav snacks there for him. i know that he belong to somebody. i didnt want to seize him. i just want to spent my quality time with him.
Talk with him, laugh with him, eat with him, look him smile is more than enough for me.
i realize that i love to look his smile, always wanna be there for him, always wanna support him, always wanna make him happy. and being his bestfriend is enough for me.
its hurt, i know. but thats enough.

he's back to jakarta and we still have a great communication, he told me a month later that nessa broke him up and she had new BF just within 1 month.
he believe that she already had an affair before that, but he didnt care anymore.
i supposed to feel bad for him, but im not.
i know that its horrible, but i were happy that he broke up.
well, but i know that i still being me, i won't force him, i won't make him love me.. i just let it flow because love cant be forced at all. plus, im the lady who have prestige and dignity, and wouldnt confess my feeling. i wouldnt do that if he's not confess first.
i know that i like him so much, and i know that i can start love him one day.. but i still have dignity to stop me did something stupid.

we keep contact and become close soon after that, its because we're click each other, i feel comfortable being with him, talk with him, laugh with him, it just feel so right and nice. well, before i dunno the reason why i like him. i just fall for him at my first sight. but now i have many reasons why i want to be with him. we're not just 'click', but we also comfortable each other, we have 'chemistry', i felt it and i guess he felt it too, and another thing is he's my tipe. definitely my type, inside and out. his character, his appearance, his personality. all of them.
i feel that he's so perfect to me. i felt that we complete each other and for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I could feel and IMAGINE who will be my side, who will become my life partner till death do us part. i can imagine my new family with him. i can imagine that he would become a great husband and a great father for my children.
i mean, in every relationship..i never could imagine my new life with my exes, never. i always looking for somebody else that suitable. i always feel hesitate, and i feel confused why people getting married easily, why theres no hesitation inside them to pick someone to become their life partner. i understand now. totally understand after i found him. my ivantius.Theres no hesitation anymore. yeah, he have a high prestige too. just the same with me, he's not did the same thing like other guy who pursue me. he's pursue me with his own way. everything about him(love part) always confused me and wonder his true feeling. its always be mysterious. i never know his true feeling actually. i just guessing. i felt that he like me, he fall for me, but i never really sure. because even he act or said the words imply that he have feeling for me, but at some other part he seems just wanna be my bestfriend. he always telling me to give him invitation as soon as possible and dont forget to invite him. erggggh.
and he said that he will marry after im married. and for sure, i never spoke my own true feeling for him. i also did the same thing to him. he would know the truth. and i feel, if he really like me, but he always did something like that to me..i dunno how this relationship will going works.
he work at palembang, but whenever he visit jakarta he always ask me out.
but it could be best friend thing. so never feel so sure.
he's annoying and sucks. he always make me feel grieved and gloomy. 
it have been 8 months since we met at beijing and i feel that i feel my feeling to him going stronger and stronger.
it drive me crazy. i know that we become so much closer, but i still not sure yet.
on 24th december 2012, we re hang out together, we re having fun and we attend the christmas night eve together, i invited to have dinner with his family which so nice to me.after the mass end, he drove me home and he confess his feeling to me. well, it surprise me. i mean, i feel that he have the same feeling with mine, but i never really sure. but now, Oh Gosh.. theres no other thing that more beautiful than this. i felt like..well, just like in heaven. i wasnt exaggerating. theres no thing that could describe my feeling. its like finally i found my true happiness. its like dream comes true.
after this long time, after 6 years.. finally he's mine.


well, its strange to know how the destiny reunite us, how God reunite us. He's doing His plan with His own way, something that we couldn't imagine. Unexpected. but i feel  grateful, because i know that something will turn beautiful on the right time, on His time.
He make it beautiful with His own way. and finally i find ( i hope) my prince, my mr right. on the right time at the right place. and it feel just so right. 
i never can imagine that i will meet him again one day, someone that i like since long time ago. my first love. and my last. because i never love anyone before.
just love minus 2 before. but this feeling is stronger.

i dont want being too confident say that at the end we will end up as husband and wife til death apart, but the thing that i know is for now i hope the best for us, i wish that God's plan same with our plan, that we will end up together, have a happy ending story, from now on begin our journey together.
we can love, support, comfort, do many things together. not just for the happy event, but also the opposite. i and him will be side by side live the world together. for better for worse. and im glad that finally i can confess my own feeling, because im  sure with my feeling. i never being so sure about my soulmate in my life. i even dont get any hesitation to display out pict together, to publish our relationship. its because the thing call "love".


love you ivantius...now, always and forever. :)
you know i do and always do.