An Everlasting Story of Ivan and Iwid :)

Its kinda awkward or clumsy when i decide to write my romance story here. and it seems i just too confident to write the title for both of us. i don't want to say that i confident that our relationship will longlast, because im afraid to lose him if im too confident or what.
but yeah, i just could tell that i confinced with my feeling.
i never felt like this before, i never publish any of my past (romance) relationships before, i never wrote on my blog, my facebook, twitter or any other social media. even, i never display my pict with my BF together at any social media. perhaps because i dont have any confident that i have now, or i can say that i wasn't sure with my feeling at that time. when i decide to had relationships with my exes, i didn't have any deep feeling with them. i choose them among the other who pursue me, because they re the best one.
they love me, and they're kind to me. it looks like enough for me before. i thought that i would be love them back one day, but 'the day' never come. i realized that im unique, im not like the other girls. im not like my besties and my girl friends. im different.
its like hard to love someone for me. so difficult. i was trying to. tried. but it never works. when people say of they really love and nice to you, you will fall for him one day is just a myth for me. so, i have the conclusion that i have to find someone that love me and i love him back. 
its funny that i never imagine that i would  marry them and start the new family with them. to be honest, i always think "who is the one who will marry me?" while i having relationship with my exes. its kinda funny right?;) yup, thats me.
when i look my besties get jealous, protective and love their BF so much, i just think why i don't have those kind of feelings? why my heart is so hard so i never got touched with all of the great things that my exes gave to me? why i never get melted like the other girls? why i still didn't feel anything even many years passed. and its kinda creepy thing that pop in my mind that i will never get married because i never have feeling with my exes, i never start to love them back, i never be a good girlfriend, and people who i fall for them were with somebody else. am i must to pick one of the wrong people ho have the best quality.. or i just pursue my own happiness and shelve the marriage things in my mind? I still think all of those things until i met him again. Ivantius. :) i met him in the middle of winter at beijing. 

i met ivantius (ivan) on 2006, 7 years ago.
its quite unbeliavable because i never invited to 'jambore' camp before. and because there is one and another thing, all of sudden theres a friend of mine suddenly ask me to join that camp to represent my parish(church) and i just get excited and accept the invitation. theres none from my parish join that camp. just me.
well, at that camp i could see many people there. a lot.

and its kinda interesting, because among all of the people there, among the men that i found there, i interest with just one guy. he's look ordinary, but dont ask me why, dont ask me how, soon i look at him, i fall for him. like i found that he attracts me, with his own way.
yeah, he's ordinary, yet handsome. i must confess that. :p
its kinda weird that he's totally my type. a man type who i want to be my husband. "someone that i want to spent my lifetime, for better for worse til death, someone who i believe will become a great father to my children" thing.
i love a guy who smart, have intelligence, faith, responsibility, mature, assertive on positive way  who can lead me, protect me and love with all of his heart.
i know its strange, i know its unbeliavable, i know its non sense but before i know that he's my type. Before i know him deeply, the thing that i knew is i have 'chemistry' with him, a knot. something indescribable. i can't breathe for a moment. theres something that make me feel that i will be with him one day. 

Soon after that, his bestfriend fall for me and pursue me at the same time with another guy who 4 years older than me. his bestfriend (Ben) is someone nice, friendly, cute, handsome for some girls (but not my type), but he's definitely kind. and another guy (vic) is a mature, charming guy who will make many girls want to be his girlfriend. he's lovely, handsome and sweet.
yes, both of them pursue me. but they're not the one that i want to. :(
its kinda sad at that time that ivan didnt have any interest with me.
gloomy.

i must admit that both of them have their own great way to pursue me. they re great with their own way, they sweet with their own way, they tried to get my heart and tried to melt my heart with their own way.
i dont want to talk much about this, the conclusion is finally i ended up with ben. nothing much to tell. i just feel worse having relationship with someone that i dont have feeling. i try to fall for him, being nice with him, but it seems like so hard for me.
i must exert all of my effort to being a nice and good girlfriend. and it needs sacrifice, trust me.
i felt happy, tortured and guilty at the same time.
i was happy because i became closer with ivan after i had relationship with ben. i was so happy and excited that i could meet him. i was happy that he trust me, and begin to call me or message me even he just want to share or ask advise for his relationship, its never mind for me as long i could contact him, have conversation, help him, made him happy.
wow! i sounds like a desperate lady. lols.
i felt tortured because even i convince my self that love dont have to own..it just have to make them happy, always beside him without they know our feeling and what we do for him. thats called love right? ;)
love is sincere, giving and not hope for return. and theres no one need to know about it. but i cant lie to myself, that i tortured everytime i looked him and his GF together. it was hurt. i never felt that before, and after that. with my BF after ben. never feel hurt or jealous. 
well, this relationship wasn't last long.
Ben is a nice guy and i felt guilty because i became so bad to him.
i never being a good girlfriend and i know that i disappoint him. he's hate me. absolutely, and i cant blame him because of that,
i never care of him, i never get jealous and i just like ignore him. thats the worst,
and i told him that we couldnt be any longer, because we can't continue a relationship that dont have future. i said that because he's younger than me. i dont want to someone whose younger than me, not just because it feel awkward even he's mature enough, but also about the financial thing. but yeah, actual reason is because we dont belong together. i didnt love him and never will, because my heart is taken by someone else.
and that feeling of guilty undermine me like crazy. 
i dont know why he act like theres nothing before. after we broke up, ben still message me that we could be great friends later and he told me that its not true that we dont have future together, he said that we will have future if we want to. the problem is that the one who want 'us' in future just him, not me. so we will not make it.
he's right. and days after that he blocked all the media access between us and unfriend me in facebook.
i thought it would be months, but i wrong. it hv been 5 years since we broke up, and he still hate me.

1 year after that i found someone else, ardy.
there re 4 people who pursue me at that time, but i choose him with my own reason. because even we're not click and comfort enough being with him, but at least i have a little feeling for him. even just a bit, but its better than nothing.
we've been 3 years together and after that long i never felt something special with our relationship. Okayy, we're couple, we re hang out together, watch movie together, lunch or dine together, but what people didn't see is our chemistry between us. we dont have any chemistry, we're not 'click', we have great conversation sometime, but just one or two times in a month, or several months. very rare.
we're not talking much when we re together, usually we just enjoy something that we're doing. eating, watching, but just by ourselves. theres nothing much that we share, or i share i revised. he become more talkative, more care, and love me more i notice. but there re some of their mistake that hard to accept and because im not fall for him, so mostly i just ignore him, being someone sucks, ignorance, moody and introvert.
its a bit miraculous that he can stand with someone like me. haha.
and a bit strange too that he always maintain our relationship, even actually we dont have any piece to be maintained.
i and him won't belong together, i cant be my myself, i didnt enjoy my time with him( i enjoy SOMETIMES but still...), i did cruel to him, i cant tell him my story.(i dont want to actually, i dont have any interest to start conversation with him), and its kinda strange and frustating. whats kind of relationship is that? 

well, at that time i still hope that i will find my prince, mr right someday.
and again, i cant imagine that ardy, ben and 2 other of my exes would be my future of husband, none of them.

when i broke up with ardy, its a hard decision for me at that time.
its because even i had many problems with him, we both re not love each other. im the one who not love him back, we're not understand each other, we dont have chemistry, we re not 'click', and i dont find myself feel comfortable woth him to tell story or anything. there re many things for me to end this relationship. we all know that communication is the key in every relationship. but why i doubt that? why i hesitate to broke him up? its because i felt that even he's not perfect, and we're not suit each other.. but i know that he love me, so much. and there re many things that he sacrifice for me.
he's nice and good looking too. and i guess it would be enough.
plus, everyone told me that we're suit each other. outside. yeah, he's not that bad.
and actually i don't to marry above 25 , before. so its a kinda hard to me to broke him up.
because if i broke him, i will lose chance to marry at young age, and if i broke him up..i dunno that i will find someone who better than him.
because what i know is the good guys nowadays re taken already.

but then after months full of consideration and deliberation, finally i decide to broke him up because marry at young isnt everything. how if after i married i find my mr right? how if i realize that he's not the one and its too late already? how if im not happy? 
i realize that if i have too much question in my mind, too much hesitation, and even i didnt sure with my feeling and happiness.. its better to live by myself but im happy isntead live with someone who i doesnt love and i feel regret after that. 
the main point is my happiness, either with someone or without someone.

years passing by, i went to beijing then there a few guys who pursue me.
they both have different character but they both have a great will to pursue me that i even dont understand at all.
many of friends of mine start to persuade me to start dating or trying to have relationship with one of them.
but theres none of them interest me.
i didnt say that they re not attractive. one is handsome and royal, and another is kind, super nice and adore me. he treat me just like a princess.
well, of course they have plus and minus. but i wouldnt talk about it.
the thing that i know re i dont fall for them and its a sign. i tried it 4 times already, and theres none of my relationship works. none of them.
many of friends told me better being loved by someone than love someone that didnt love you. thats true. i won't doubt that. i look many of my girl friends start to love their boyfriend because their BF re so patient and love them so much. it happened to many girls, i cant say all of them. but its not me. the one who really know me is myself.
i knew it just wasting my time to spent with the wrong guy. i dont need boyfriend just for take care of me, fill my daily life with sweet words and love things. i can stand by myself, and all of it will not get worthed if you spend your days with someone that you dont love. you can find that you fall for a wrong decision, again and again. and its like a never ending stupidity. and i dont want to repeat the same mistake over and over again. 4 times re too much for me, i didnt feel something worth relationship, i just feel pain and emptiness.
even almost 2 years i broke up, but i still feel assertive and courage that i just want to be single til i find the right one. or i will be single forever. better being single than undergo 'the unhappy relationship', it just killing you inside.

yes, i were waiting and waiting.
and all of sudden vanessa (ivan's ex GF) contact me, its kinda strange for me..because after years gone by she never contact me again. and suddenly she contact me just wanna ask about the korea things, tour, attraction, hostel, etc. she seems really nice, sweet and warm. i answer all of her question and our conversation going smoothly.
we have like one week conversation, then 2 days after that iv message me that he will visit beijing and wanna meet me. he knew my number from nessa. lols.
how funny. we both know that nessa is a protective and possesive GF that ever exist in this earth, and the funniest thing is she gave my number to ivan, who at that time stil his BF, is a bit ridiculous right? :p

well, then ivan went to beijing..
we both enjoy our time together than i found out that actually my feeling for him is never gone. its still there. it just buried.
i still like him, like i used to.
like him so much than make me lost my mind. i got so excited and i bought all of my fav snacks there for him. i know that he belong to somebody. i didnt want to seize him. i just want to spent my quality time with him.
Talk with him, laugh with him, eat with him, look him smile is more than enough for me.
i realize that i love to look his smile, always wanna be there for him, always wanna support him, always wanna make him happy. and being his bestfriend is enough for me.
its hurt, i know. but thats enough.

he's back to jakarta and we still have a great communication, he told me a month later that nessa broke him up and she had new BF just within 1 month.
he believe that she already had an affair before that, but he didnt care anymore.
i supposed to feel bad for him, but im not.
i know that its horrible, but i were happy that he broke up.
well, but i know that i still being me, i won't force him, i won't make him love me.. i just let it flow because love cant be forced at all. plus, im the lady who have prestige and dignity, and wouldnt confess my feeling. i wouldnt do that if he's not confess first.
i know that i like him so much, and i know that i can start love him one day.. but i still have dignity to stop me did something stupid.

we keep contact and become close soon after that, its because we're click each other, i feel comfortable being with him, talk with him, laugh with him, it just feel so right and nice. well, before i dunno the reason why i like him. i just fall for him at my first sight. but now i have many reasons why i want to be with him. we're not just 'click', but we also comfortable each other, we have 'chemistry', i felt it and i guess he felt it too, and another thing is he's my tipe. definitely my type, inside and out. his character, his appearance, his personality. all of them.
i feel that he's so perfect to me. i felt that we complete each other and for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I could feel and IMAGINE who will be my side, who will become my life partner till death do us part. i can imagine my new family with him. i can imagine that he would become a great husband and a great father for my children.
i mean, in every relationship..i never could imagine my new life with my exes, never. i always looking for somebody else that suitable. i always feel hesitate, and i feel confused why people getting married easily, why theres no hesitation inside them to pick someone to become their life partner. i understand now. totally understand after i found him. my ivantius.Theres no hesitation anymore. yeah, he have a high prestige too. just the same with me, he's not did the same thing like other guy who pursue me. he's pursue me with his own way. everything about him(love part) always confused me and wonder his true feeling. its always be mysterious. i never know his true feeling actually. i just guessing. i felt that he like me, he fall for me, but i never really sure. because even he act or said the words imply that he have feeling for me, but at some other part he seems just wanna be my bestfriend. he always telling me to give him invitation as soon as possible and dont forget to invite him. erggggh.
and he said that he will marry after im married. and for sure, i never spoke my own true feeling for him. i also did the same thing to him. he would know the truth. and i feel, if he really like me, but he always did something like that to me..i dunno how this relationship will going works.
he work at palembang, but whenever he visit jakarta he always ask me out.
but it could be best friend thing. so never feel so sure.
he's annoying and sucks. he always make me feel grieved and gloomy. 
it have been 8 months since we met at beijing and i feel that i feel my feeling to him going stronger and stronger.
it drive me crazy. i know that we become so much closer, but i still not sure yet.
on 24th december 2012, we re hang out together, we re having fun and we attend the christmas night eve together, i invited to have dinner with his family which so nice to me.after the mass end, he drove me home and he confess his feeling to me. well, it surprise me. i mean, i feel that he have the same feeling with mine, but i never really sure. but now, Oh Gosh.. theres no other thing that more beautiful than this. i felt like..well, just like in heaven. i wasnt exaggerating. theres no thing that could describe my feeling. its like finally i found my true happiness. its like dream comes true.
after this long time, after 6 years.. finally he's mine.


well, its strange to know how the destiny reunite us, how God reunite us. He's doing His plan with His own way, something that we couldn't imagine. Unexpected. but i feel  grateful, because i know that something will turn beautiful on the right time, on His time.
He make it beautiful with His own way. and finally i find ( i hope) my prince, my mr right. on the right time at the right place. and it feel just so right. 
i never can imagine that i will meet him again one day, someone that i like since long time ago. my first love. and my last. because i never love anyone before.
just love minus 2 before. but this feeling is stronger.

i dont want being too confident say that at the end we will end up as husband and wife til death apart, but the thing that i know is for now i hope the best for us, i wish that God's plan same with our plan, that we will end up together, have a happy ending story, from now on begin our journey together.
we can love, support, comfort, do many things together. not just for the happy event, but also the opposite. i and him will be side by side live the world together. for better for worse. and im glad that finally i can confess my own feeling, because im  sure with my feeling. i never being so sure about my soulmate in my life. i even dont get any hesitation to display out pict together, to publish our relationship. its because the thing call "love".


love you ivantius...now, always and forever. :)
you know i do and always do.